Influx

Lies

I lie

I hide the truth

Only from myself

The section I can’t bring myself to

Open, Hurts from past afflictions

I pretend it means

Nothing, But honesty is hard

Because that means you.

Transparency means room for hurt

Feelings, Which no one has time for

Aspects remain hidden

Easier

Lonelier

Painless

Emptiness

If I say no

Then no tears will ever fall

If I say yes…

I don’t know what will happen

I try so hard to block out

Everything, A smile here a corny

Joke there

Snuck up on me

Now I think about you

More than I should

The shroud went up in flames

What do I do now

Risk taking has always

Backfired,

(11-14-17)

Motherless Child

Sometimes I wonder if I am my mother’s daughter.

The things I feel and think mimic memories of her.

Did she ever feel alone in a room full of people?

Did she ever smile to hide the tears?

What was behind all those fears?

How did I end up this way?

As an adult I yearn for maternal guidance.

But circumstances make it impossible to see in the dark.

Parentless adulting is hard

How can I be grown with no guidelines

I don’t know how to be someone

Who people depend upon

Opaqueness is all I get when I try to see in the future

Tell me what do I do?

Am I my mother’s daughter?

She cared about everyone but herself

Her eyes were full of bushes tears

Her happiness was depended upon her children

Who was the woman before she was. The self sacrificing mother, wife, sister, and daughter?

How do I be myself when I fall in her shadow?

She was my whole life, my drive

Now with what purpose do I thrive?

Shedding daughter

Attention lover

Thrill seeker

Never settling down

Fire starter

Rebellion leader

How are you doing

Where are you heading

Never honest

Lies thrive inside of you

A bundle of of wires

Nerves of steel

The dark mass surrounding your heart

Or where it should be

Did you ever love

Was I ever a thought in your mind

Of course

Is what you answer

But there are no certainties here

How can I trust

When you taught me not to

How can I love

When your departing figure showed me the pointlessness of it

Blame begets blame

I take responsibility

For never being satisfied

For the fear that courses through me

That everyone is you

I see him look at me with desire

I feel like my mother

What it must have been when she laid eyes

On what she thought was love

Maybe it was

But not the pure unfiltered version

This Love was infected with something tarnished

Tainted

Raw and…

Wild

It was never supposed to get here

I see what it was always supposed to be

But she was just looking for someone to fill the void

The one that her father created

The one you almost fit in completely

Like a key sliding into a lock

But you didn’t turn her

The sensible voice that she filed away fought back from a locked drawer

She almost broke

But with her heart on the outside of her body she struggled and resisted

The eight crimson pieces floating from here to there

Laughing

Loving

Exploring

Being free

Never knowing the fight that was killing her

As the pieces of her swelled with age they saw

They saw the threat to their home

They hardened with age

They became cynical

Terrified

And most of all angry

The only one spared was the littlest piece

Too young to absorb anything but love

Then the home was ransacked and burned to the ground

She no longer was in misery of life but misery of death

Misery of leaving her heart behind

But choices were made beyond her control

The eight grew and they tried to erase the cynicism

The terror

But the anger remained

Anger at her

Anger at him

And anger at anything that would hear them roar

Screaming into a pit of blackness

As a piece of the eight I have lived in darkness

Fear that forgiveness meant I’d once again be trapped

In the empty box that was my home

The box with no air

Only hate

But what started out as questions ended up as revelations

Euphoria disguised as despair

Offering hope

Opening a small hole in my obscurity

Crawling through to the light

Seeing that absolution doesn’t mean that the past is gone forever

Just that it’s in remission

The healing is a rehabilitation

Learning to absorb old wounds

To let go of all the hurt

So when I look at him I don’t see you

Or slip into her

So when I am let down by him

I don’t blame myself

I relieve myself of following in her footsteps

I am a piece of the eight

With the cynics shell broken

With the terror drained

With the anger melted

I no longer am invested in you

You will be forever a crestfallen distraction

I don’t reach out for your hand

I don’t call you in good times or bad

I don’t need warmth from the cold

Because as an empty husk

You can’t console me

I know that love is around the long corner

But it won’t be from you

The phantasm of you is just that

And finally

With one last breath

The final sweet release

I relinquish you

I am free

And so should you

It’s what you scrambled for

And now the latch is broken

The laces untied

I have learned to stop holding on to those who don’t fit

You’re a puzzle piece that doesn’t belong in my story

I see that now

I hope you find who you want to be

But I cannot waste my time on you

So I’ll leave you with one final word

Adieu

Drunk

Back and forth

Up and down

Never getting it right

False starts

Empty promises

Ending before I began

To trust

To think

To love

I always thought it would be easy

One day it would all fall

Into place

Instead of apart

Always ending

Never knowing which way is up

Not knowing what to do

Because how can you love alone

How can you be so ready but

Never right

So many

I thought

But I was so wrong

Never getting the right one

How hard can it be

Why is it hard for me

And not for you

Or him

Or her

Why do I feel so behind

My path is different

But I feel like I should be arriving already

Rambling Rants

Time for an early morning rant. It is currently 7:56 AM here in Texas and I am blasting empowering, sort of,  music. It’s actually a break-up song but it’s one that’s not sad at all. No, I’m not going through a break-up but this song just made me think of all the bullshit relationships and pseudo-relationships I’ve had in the past. Then I started thinking of all the dumb questions older generations ask you when they see you’ve been single for awhile.

My favorite:

You’re so pretty why are you single?

Well, if I knew that Martha I could analyze the problem and fix it, but obviously I don’t.

Or:

So, you’re just not into relationships? That’s cool.

Is it cool Susan? Thanks for your approval.

This one is one that my grandmother personally said to me:

So, no boyfriend huh? Well, it’s okay if you don’t like guys.

Thanks grams but I’m not gay just not in a relationship.

It’s like everyone has their own idea of why you’re single except you. Sure you come up with reasons like “I’m working on me.” Which, I’m sorry, is bullshit. Sure getting to love yourself first is great, in fact it is imperative but unless you are your own nemesis it shouldn’t take five plus years to love yourself. Then again I don’t know your psychological background and I don’t judge.

Look, all I am saying is that the reason your not in a relationship isn’t just one thing. You could be like me and take turns from going on really horrid dates to giving up and just having fun. The fun is the only thing that keeps me from being bitter honestly. I can’t sit around and wallow because my friends don’t let me. But that’s not what this is. It isn’t a “woe is me” type of situation and that’s what my friends think every time it comes up in conversation. My couple friends give me sad eyes and I make an excuse and get up to refill my drink.

Friends mean well, but they always give you sad eyes when something is going well for them that isn’t going well for you.

At 26 I thought I’d have my life more together. As a child I dreamed of being with the man of my dreams and married with children because that is what little girls growing up  in the patriarchy dreamt of. But now my life looks different. At 26 I’m single but I’m in grad school working on becoming a better writer. I moved to the hottest place where rain just makes it hotter, it sucks. Oh, and we get tropical storms and floods, I think I was on drugs when I moved to the gulf.

Anyway…

My life isn’t what I thought it would be and that’s okay. Life rarely goes the way you think you would. I try to take the twists and turns as a challenge and see life different each time something good or bad happens. So, I take this single thing as just a stop on the road. Maybe at the next rest stop he’ll be there waiting for me, maybe not. And that’s okay. It really took me a minute to be okay with that but I really can’t do anything to change it that I haven’t already tried.

For now I am going to focus on what I know to be absolute truths; the loves of my life.

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Writing
  • Music

Anything else is not important. Anything else derails me from my goal. I’m not worried, a little anxious maybe, about who is or isn’t waiting for me at the next rest stop. I can’t control when people enter or exit my life and letting go is just something I haven’t mastered yet, but I am on the way to passing that class with flying colors.

Just One Day at a Time

Things aren’t always black and white

Life is filled with shades of grey

At least that’s what I like to believe

I believe that chances should be given

But at what cost

How many times do I extend my hand

Just to have it slapped away

To always be the unlucky one

You dust yourself off and hope again

Always to be the one picking up the pieces

You doubt yourself

You realize you were never the one

But someone else will happily take your place

But then you question why you’re always second best

Never winning even when you think you have

Because winning means that you were not an option but a choice

But you were on a list that contained several other names

When you want to be the only one

But then you look around and see you’re in a room full of other “options”

Others who could be more qualified

More flexible

More…than you

Then when it comes down to you and the last person

You go home empty-handed

For some reason you just can’t make the cut

You question yourself

But it’s not you

It wasn’t the right time

He wasn’t the right guy

One day

The mantra gets embedded in your head so much that you say it sarcastically before you even try

When you don’t mean to be bitter but you’re just so tired

Tired of trying to remain positive

Trying to see that “one day” it will happen

When all you want to do is tell “one day” to fuck off

It’s mentally and physically draining to give your all

It’s exhausting to believe in a lie

But what’s your alternative?

Jaded and bitter spinster?

Sure you don’t need him

And he sure didn’t need you

But it’s the thought

The thought that all your failed conquests are trying to tell you something

That maybe you won’t find it in this lifetime

Or maybe you are just in your damn head too much

Sure it’s hard

Life is fucking hard

But anything worth it isn’t going to be a fucking walk in the park

If everything came easily would you want it?

You say yes now

But truth is you would suspect something

You realize that waiting is the hardest thing you ever had to do

But waiting for something good

Instead of pursing something bad is worth it

Right?

 

Dating 2017

High enough to remember
Not so quite intoxicatingly forgetful
Yet
Heavy heart
Full of love
That never goes anywhere
Shove it back down
Toss it to the side
Regurgitate the same old sentiments
It’s never enough for
Me
All I do is accept
Settling for
Less
Not quite what I deserve
No where near what I planned
Why you gotta hurt me that way
Frustrated with myself
Angry tears drowning out all
Hope
A new day brings new terror
What will I do in front of you
I see what you do to me
I can’t turn off my feelings
When I’m fresh out of fucks
What will you do then
Anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt
This all I have to show
Tell you I’m through
And I mean it in the
Moment
After moment I think about us
“Us” as if such a thing could be
Maybe another life another time
I tell myself you aren’t the one
You aren’t who I’m meant to have
But who is
Jaded cynicism colors my shaded view
Why can’t I open up
Open hearts get shot
Over and over by a cherub who swears he knows best
Men
Can mansplain air to you if you want to you Believe it
I believed that it was time
I believed in the lie
When I’m ready I’m alone
No one there to claim what’s theirs
Wrong attitude
Bad attention
All I receive is mixed messages
Straightened stories
Lies on top of blasphemy
What is love but a rose with thorns
My blood drips down the stem
Commingled with my tears of defeat
Why do I even try
One day is forever away
Today feels wasted on you
Regret is something I refuse to feel
All the ups and every down
My heart will still feel attached to the lesson
Learned of us
You will have a piece of me and I carry you
In the back of the filing cabinet of my hippocampus
How I miss something that never was
Is just the icing on the cake