Drunk

Back and forth

Up and down

Never getting it right

False starts

Empty promises

Ending before I began

To trust

To think

To love

I always thought it would be easy

One day it would all fall

Into place

Instead of apart

Always ending

Never knowing which way is up

Not knowing what to do

Because how can you love alone

How can you be so ready but

Never right

So many

I thought

But I was so wrong

Never getting the right one

How hard can it be

Why is it hard for me

And not for you

Or him

Or her

Why do I feel so behind

My path is different

But I feel like I should be arriving already

Rambling Rants

Time for an early morning rant. It is currently 7:56 AM here in Texas and I am blasting empowering, sort of,  music. It’s actually a break-up song but it’s one that’s not sad at all. No, I’m not going through a break-up but this song just made me think of all the bullshit relationships and pseudo-relationships I’ve had in the past. Then I started thinking of all the dumb questions older generations ask you when they see you’ve been single for awhile.

My favorite:

You’re so pretty why are you single?

Well, if I knew that Martha I could analyze the problem and fix it, but obviously I don’t.

Or:

So, you’re just not into relationships? That’s cool.

Is it cool Susan? Thanks for your approval.

This one is one that my grandmother personally said to me:

So, no boyfriend huh? Well, it’s okay if you don’t like guys.

Thanks grams but I’m not gay just not in a relationship.

It’s like everyone has their own idea of why you’re single except you. Sure you come up with reasons like “I’m working on me.” Which, I’m sorry, is bullshit. Sure getting to love yourself first is great, in fact it is imperative but unless you are your own nemesis it shouldn’t take five plus years to love yourself. Then again I don’t know your psychological background and I don’t judge.

Look, all I am saying is that the reason your not in a relationship isn’t just one thing. You could be like me and take turns from going on really horrid dates to giving up and just having fun. The fun is the only thing that keeps me from being bitter honestly. I can’t sit around and wallow because my friends don’t let me. But that’s not what this is. It isn’t a “woe is me” type of situation and that’s what my friends think every time it comes up in conversation. My couple friends give me sad eyes and I make an excuse and get up to refill my drink.

Friends mean well, but they always give you sad eyes when something is going well for them that isn’t going well for you.

At 26 I thought I’d have my life more together. As a child I dreamed of being with the man of my dreams and married with children because that is what little girls growing up  in the patriarchy dreamt of. But now my life looks different. At 26 I’m single but I’m in grad school working on becoming a better writer. I moved to the hottest place where rain just makes it hotter, it sucks. Oh, and we get tropical storms and floods, I think I was on drugs when I moved to the gulf.

Anyway…

My life isn’t what I thought it would be and that’s okay. Life rarely goes the way you think you would. I try to take the twists and turns as a challenge and see life different each time something good or bad happens. So, I take this single thing as just a stop on the road. Maybe at the next rest stop he’ll be there waiting for me, maybe not. And that’s okay. It really took me a minute to be okay with that but I really can’t do anything to change it that I haven’t already tried.

For now I am going to focus on what I know to be absolute truths; the loves of my life.

  • Family
  • Friends
  • Writing
  • Music

Anything else is not important. Anything else derails me from my goal. I’m not worried, a little anxious maybe, about who is or isn’t waiting for me at the next rest stop. I can’t control when people enter or exit my life and letting go is just something I haven’t mastered yet, but I am on the way to passing that class with flying colors.

Just One Day at a Time

Things aren’t always black and white

Life is filled with shades of grey

At least that’s what I like to believe

I believe that chances should be given

But at what cost

How many times do I extend my hand

Just to have it slapped away

To always be the unlucky one

You dust yourself off and hope again

Always to be the one picking up the pieces

You doubt yourself

You realize you were never the one

But someone else will happily take your place

But then you question why you’re always second best

Never winning even when you think you have

Because winning means that you were not an option but a choice

But you were on a list that contained several other names

When you want to be the only one

But then you look around and see you’re in a room full of other “options”

Others who could be more qualified

More flexible

More…than you

Then when it comes down to you and the last person

You go home empty-handed

For some reason you just can’t make the cut

You question yourself

But it’s not you

It wasn’t the right time

He wasn’t the right guy

One day

The mantra gets embedded in your head so much that you say it sarcastically before you even try

When you don’t mean to be bitter but you’re just so tired

Tired of trying to remain positive

Trying to see that “one day” it will happen

When all you want to do is tell “one day” to fuck off

It’s mentally and physically draining to give your all

It’s exhausting to believe in a lie

But what’s your alternative?

Jaded and bitter spinster?

Sure you don’t need him

And he sure didn’t need you

But it’s the thought

The thought that all your failed conquests are trying to tell you something

That maybe you won’t find it in this lifetime

Or maybe you are just in your damn head too much

Sure it’s hard

Life is fucking hard

But anything worth it isn’t going to be a fucking walk in the park

If everything came easily would you want it?

You say yes now

But truth is you would suspect something

You realize that waiting is the hardest thing you ever had to do

But waiting for something good

Instead of pursing something bad is worth it

Right?

 

Dating 2017

High enough to remember
Not so quite intoxicatingly forgetful
Yet
Heavy heart
Full of love
That never goes anywhere
Shove it back down
Toss it to the side
Regurgitate the same old sentiments
It’s never enough for
Me
All I do is accept
Settling for
Less
Not quite what I deserve
No where near what I planned
Why you gotta hurt me that way
Frustrated with myself
Angry tears drowning out all
Hope
A new day brings new terror
What will I do in front of you
I see what you do to me
I can’t turn off my feelings
When I’m fresh out of fucks
What will you do then
Anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt
This all I have to show
Tell you I’m through
And I mean it in the
Moment
After moment I think about us
“Us” as if such a thing could be
Maybe another life another time
I tell myself you aren’t the one
You aren’t who I’m meant to have
But who is
Jaded cynicism colors my shaded view
Why can’t I open up
Open hearts get shot
Over and over by a cherub who swears he knows best
Men
Can mansplain air to you if you want to you Believe it
I believed that it was time
I believed in the lie
When I’m ready I’m alone
No one there to claim what’s theirs
Wrong attitude
Bad attention
All I receive is mixed messages
Straightened stories
Lies on top of blasphemy
What is love but a rose with thorns
My blood drips down the stem
Commingled with my tears of defeat
Why do I even try
One day is forever away
Today feels wasted on you
Regret is something I refuse to feel
All the ups and every down
My heart will still feel attached to the lesson
Learned of us
You will have a piece of me and I carry you
In the back of the filing cabinet of my hippocampus
How I miss something that never was
Is just the icing on the cake

Mirror Image

When you looked in the mirror what did you see

Did you see someone who wasn’t loved

Were you all alone

How lonely were you growing up

That made you run to the first open arms you found

How lonely were you with three screaming kids

Three turned into five more

How lonely did you feel in your marriage

How many kids did you need to fill the void

How many did it take to heal your broken heart

Feeling of being unloved followed you

From birth to death

You never stood up for you

How lonely were you when you looked in the mirror

Did you not see the love you received

How lonely did you feel in a room full of people

Even with your last breath you gave all your love to others

When did you ever love you

When I look in the mirror I see you

I see some of the things you saw

But I also see the love

I don’t feel as lonely as you did

I have experienced the paternal abandonment

But I can’t let it shape me

Because of you I received more love

More than I could ever imagine

But what did it cost you

What did it cost you to only feel love from the miniature people that came from you

To only believe that they were the ones who would love you until death

To not see how much love was surrounding you until it was too late

How can I not grow up to be you

But grow up with your heart

Your heart beats within me

The extraordinary lengths  you went to

That is what I see in the mirror

The caring for others above me

But I don’t feel the loneliness set in

I am not you

And I am you

You gave so much unconditional love

To every stranger you could

How many times did that bite you in the ass

How many times have you been burned

And yet you wake up with this un-fillable depth of loneliness

You’d smile and kiss and hug your little monsters

You would do anything you could so we never felt the neglect

Of him

But you couldn’t shelter us from the truth

The toll that took on you

The burden you alone shouldered

The love he should’ve given

Dried up inside him a long time ago

He wasn’t who you thought he was

He may never be

Old dog new tricks

Never learn how to be the man that you wanted

The man we needed

That killed you inside

You gave your all

And he couldn’t meet you 5%

The black hole that was his heart

Matched the emptiness inside of you

You thought you could make him better

You thought he was broken enough to love you

Never realizing that you didn’t need broken

You just needed to believe in worth

In my head you live out your life

The one you were supposed to have

No doctors

No Chemo

No Lymphoma

Just all the love you deserve

So when you look in the mirror

You feel whole

You feel complete

You don’t die sad

You live happy

Never to cry over your loneliness

So when I look in the mirror

I see that  version

The woman you should’ve been able to become

The woman I became

The happiness that exudes from your life unwritten

Flows into my story being told

She 

She knows

Hears the whispers

But she ignores them

She used to rely on her gut

Sage wisdom was all

She got

When did I she become a

Stereotype?

When did caring become

Gullible

When did trust turn into

 Naïvety

What changed?

It feel the same

The topsy turvy ride

We aren’t we

My life, her life

Are we all the same?

When you think you’re

Special

But he has that needle ready

When the bubble pops

Where is he?

Caught red-handed

You thought

He cared

Finding out how wrong

It was

How hurt you

Felt

How you’re never quite the same

Woman you once were

 

6-6-17

Open Letter {1}

Dear future self,

I know right now you are wondering about where you are going to end up. Wondering if each choice you make is the right one. I can’t tell you that it is, because I worry. I worry about pointless bullshit that I can’t control and you know that. You know that worrying is just going to be a part of me no matter what.

I do know that you have to trust. Not everyone will do you wrong. I know where the trust issues stem from and I know it hurts to open up just to be wrong. I know. Looking at the past and all the people who lied to your face and made you second guess. When someone came along and made you care about them and toyed with your emotions. I know it sucks. I can say it will get better but I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what every up and down will do mentally. But I do know that I will always love you.

No matter who breaks your heart. No matter what people may whisper behind your back. I love you. I just want you to know that. I will always choose you. I can say that it is frustrating trying to find your way in life. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. I just know what makes me happy. And if I remember that and you remember that we’ll be okay.

Life will beat you down. Boys will break your heart. No one may understand what you write. But I will always love you.