Just One Day at a Time

Things aren’t always black and white

Life is filled with shades of grey

At least that’s what I like to believe

I believe that chances should be given

But at what cost

How many times do I extend my hand

Just to have it slapped away

To always be the unlucky one

You dust yourself off and hope again

Always to be the one picking up the pieces

You doubt yourself

You realize you were never the one

But someone else will happily take your place

But then you question why you’re always second best

Never winning even when you think you have

Because winning means that you were not an option but a choice

But you were on a list that contained several other names

When you want to be the only one

But then you look around and see you’re in a room full of other “options”

Others who could be more qualified

More flexible

More…than you

Then when it comes down to you and the last person

You go home empty-handed

For some reason you just can’t make the cut

You question yourself

But it’s not you

It wasn’t the right time

He wasn’t the right guy

One day

The mantra gets embedded in your head so much that you say it sarcastically before you even try

When you don’t mean to be bitter but you’re just so tired

Tired of trying to remain positive

Trying to see that “one day” it will happen

When all you want to do is tell “one day” to fuck off

It’s mentally and physically draining to give your all

It’s exhausting to believe in a lie

But what’s your alternative?

Jaded and bitter spinster?

Sure you don’t need him

And he sure didn’t need you

But it’s the thought

The thought that all your failed conquests are trying to tell you something

That maybe you won’t find it in this lifetime

Or maybe you are just in your damn head too much

Sure it’s hard

Life is fucking hard

But anything worth it isn’t going to be a fucking walk in the park

If everything came easily would you want it?

You say yes now

But truth is you would suspect something

You realize that waiting is the hardest thing you ever had to do

But waiting for something good

Instead of pursing something bad is worth it

Right?

 

Dating 2017

High enough to remember
Not so quite intoxicatingly forgetful
Yet
Heavy heart
Full of love
That never goes anywhere
Shove it back down
Toss it to the side
Regurgitate the same old sentiments
It’s never enough for
Me
All I do is accept
Settling for
Less
Not quite what I deserve
No where near what I planned
Why you gotta hurt me that way
Frustrated with myself
Angry tears drowning out all
Hope
A new day brings new terror
What will I do in front of you
I see what you do to me
I can’t turn off my feelings
When I’m fresh out of fucks
What will you do then
Anger, sadness, frustration, and hurt
This all I have to show
Tell you I’m through
And I mean it in the
Moment
After moment I think about us
“Us” as if such a thing could be
Maybe another life another time
I tell myself you aren’t the one
You aren’t who I’m meant to have
But who is
Jaded cynicism colors my shaded view
Why can’t I open up
Open hearts get shot
Over and over by a cherub who swears he knows best
Men
Can mansplain air to you if you want to you Believe it
I believed that it was time
I believed in the lie
When I’m ready I’m alone
No one there to claim what’s theirs
Wrong attitude
Bad attention
All I receive is mixed messages
Straightened stories
Lies on top of blasphemy
What is love but a rose with thorns
My blood drips down the stem
Commingled with my tears of defeat
Why do I even try
One day is forever away
Today feels wasted on you
Regret is something I refuse to feel
All the ups and every down
My heart will still feel attached to the lesson
Learned of us
You will have a piece of me and I carry you
In the back of the filing cabinet of my hippocampus
How I miss something that never was
Is just the icing on the cake

Mirror Image

When you looked in the mirror what did you see

Did you see someone who wasn’t loved

Were you all alone

How lonely were you growing up

That made you run to the first open arms you found

How lonely were you with three screaming kids

Three turned into five more

How lonely did you feel in your marriage

How many kids did you need to fill the void

How many did it take to heal your broken heart

Feeling of being unloved followed you

From birth to death

You never stood up for you

How lonely were you when you looked in the mirror

Did you not see the love you received

How lonely did you feel in a room full of people

Even with your last breath you gave all your love to others

When did you ever love you

When I look in the mirror I see you

I see some of the things you saw

But I also see the love

I don’t feel as lonely as you did

I have experienced the paternal abandonment

But I can’t let it shape me

Because of you I received more love

More than I could ever imagine

But what did it cost you

What did it cost you to only feel love from the miniature people that came from you

To only believe that they were the ones who would love you until death

To not see how much love was surrounding you until it was too late

How can I not grow up to be you

But grow up with your heart

Your heart beats within me

The extraordinary lengths  you went to

That is what I see in the mirror

The caring for others above me

But I don’t feel the loneliness set in

I am not you

And I am you

You gave so much unconditional love

To every stranger you could

How many times did that bite you in the ass

How many times have you been burned

And yet you wake up with this un-fillable depth of loneliness

You’d smile and kiss and hug your little monsters

You would do anything you could so we never felt the neglect

Of him

But you couldn’t shelter us from the truth

The toll that took on you

The burden you alone shouldered

The love he should’ve given

Dried up inside him a long time ago

He wasn’t who you thought he was

He may never be

Old dog new tricks

Never learn how to be the man that you wanted

The man we needed

That killed you inside

You gave your all

And he couldn’t meet you 5%

The black hole that was his heart

Matched the emptiness inside of you

You thought you could make him better

You thought he was broken enough to love you

Never realizing that you didn’t need broken

You just needed to believe in worth

In my head you live out your life

The one you were supposed to have

No doctors

No Chemo

No Lymphoma

Just all the love you deserve

So when you look in the mirror

You feel whole

You feel complete

You don’t die sad

You live happy

Never to cry over your loneliness

So when I look in the mirror

I see that  version

The woman you should’ve been able to become

The woman I became

The happiness that exudes from your life unwritten

Flows into my story being told

She 

She knows

Hears the whispers

But she ignores them

She used to rely on her gut

Sage wisdom was all

She got

When did I she become a

Stereotype?

When did caring become

Gullible

When did trust turn into

 Naïvety

What changed?

It feel the same

The topsy turvy ride

We aren’t we

My life, her life

Are we all the same?

When you think you’re

Special

But he has that needle ready

When the bubble pops

Where is he?

Caught red-handed

You thought

He cared

Finding out how wrong

It was

How hurt you

Felt

How you’re never quite the same

Woman you once were

 

6-6-17

Open Letter {1}

Dear future self,

I know right now you are wondering about where you are going to end up. Wondering if each choice you make is the right one. I can’t tell you that it is, because I worry. I worry about pointless bullshit that I can’t control and you know that. You know that worrying is just going to be a part of me no matter what.

I do know that you have to trust. Not everyone will do you wrong. I know where the trust issues stem from and I know it hurts to open up just to be wrong. I know. Looking at the past and all the people who lied to your face and made you second guess. When someone came along and made you care about them and toyed with your emotions. I know it sucks. I can say it will get better but I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what every up and down will do mentally. But I do know that I will always love you.

No matter who breaks your heart. No matter what people may whisper behind your back. I love you. I just want you to know that. I will always choose you. I can say that it is frustrating trying to find your way in life. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. I just know what makes me happy. And if I remember that and you remember that we’ll be okay.

Life will beat you down. Boys will break your heart. No one may understand what you write. But I will always love you.

Unequivocally

When I look in the mirror I see you

I wonder did you see me too

This light of mine

The rays of your love shine on me

Through the bad times

When the road is all downhill

Nothing is right

Left is always where I end up

Emptiness is not the goal

But the message is unclear

How to move forward without my rock

The time for regrets is gone

Nowhere to run to

The past creeps forward inch by inch

Remember how it used to be

You and me

The life I never got to share

The death that will always stain

The tears that will always fall

You will never see me

Forward with every attempt of clarity

Always be the one who lost

Chances you gave me to be bright

Love you gave me

Strength that seeps into my bones

Everything is a product of you

Knowing from whence I came

Adversity

Only voice that counts

No one can tell me different

Taught me how to use my voice

Scream what I need

Never let you go

Always, Consistently, repeatedly yours

Brainwashed into loving consistently

Forevermore

Until the MOMent comes

It will be you

No one better will ever exist

Reminiscing time

Good or bad

Nothing will top you

No description will work

All or nothing

To you

It was

The end

Escaping the Patriarchy

As a woman writer, an avid reader, and a cinephile I sometimes get disgusted with how women are portrayed. I recently read an article, which I cited below, about how women were portrayed throughout literature. Either they were an “angel,” or a “monster.” Male, and even some female writers, had the women in their stories take up one or two roles. One role is the dimwitted, sweetheart who just wants to please her man. The other role is this horrible woman who doesn’t conform to social norms. She is usually an evil stepmother, or the jealous girl who the hero didn’t pick. These are literally the only two roles women can play.

As you can see it’s disgusting. To have a woman who defies the rules and becomes the heroine is seen as a weak plot line. There is always a reason to not believe in that story. For instance in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice Lizzie is headstrong and refuses to fall in love. Of course she falls in love in the end, but she isn’t like others. Her own sister and her best friend both marry because that is what they are supposed to do. They marry to not become an old spinster. To not have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. Some point out that Lizzie did in the end marry a rich man, but not for the reason that everyone around her was. She could have cared less about Mr. Darcy’s wealth, she fell in love with the stubborn man because like her, they liked breaking rules. They showed each other pieces of themselves they never showed to anyone else. Pride and Prejudice can be seen as a story of soulmates, because Lizzie and Mr. Darcy were perfectly matched.

All throughout the story she was seen as a silly, naive girl because she refused to settle. She didn’t want to get married if it wasn’t for love. Her own mother didn’t understand her. Everyone thought she was crazy because she dared to defy the social stigma of being an independent woman. The same could be said about Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. She fell in love but she refused to let that define her. She wouldn’t marry if she would be below her husband. When she almost married and saw what she turned into she ran away. She went off to find herself, and in her self imposed exile she thrived. All the while Mr. Rochester dwindled. He became a ghost of himself. He couldn’t live again without his love, and when she returned he was whole again.

These novels show how women can be strong and fight against what is “normal” for women to do. They never let what society tells them effect what they want. Lizzie wanted the ability to love freely, and Jane wanted to define herself outside of her husband. Both did that even though everyone admonished them. Their strength is what we need in our female characters. Instead of the hopeless romantic who falls apart when the guy leaves her for a newer model. We need to borrow the strength from these two fictional women until we find it in ourselves to be brave.

Until we find it in ourselves to break the the dimwitted angel and the evil monster stigmas. We have to be strong and ignore the naysayers who say that we can’t because we’re women. We are just as good as any male counterpart, and that doesn’t make us narcissistic or “bitches,” it makes us truthful. Having male genitalia doesn’t make you better at anything, despite what the old greats thought.

Being different is the only reason they fear you. Be different, be better, be great.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.
-Dr. Seuss

Works Cited

Gilbert, Sandra, and  Gubar, Susan. “The Madwoman in the Attic.” Literary Theory: An Anthology. Edited by Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan, Blackwell Publishing, 2010, 812-825.