Mom’s Letter

The story of me should also be the story of you

Without you there is no me

But without you there is no ME

Sure I’m here. But not you.

Inseparable isn’t strong enough to describe what we were. There was no way I was without you.

And there was no way you could leave me…

Until you did.

Of course it wasn’t of your own volition.

There is never a reason.

You would never.

But you did it.

I don’t blame you, and I’m no longer angry.

I was so angry for so long.

It was just so much easier to be pissed than to realize the truth.

You were/are never coming back. EVER.

And that stunning realization hit me like an eighteen wheeler carrying a shit ton of bricks being driven by a coked out, road rage, steroid king.

So, basically it hurt like fucking shit.

Knowing something, and then actually living with that knowledge is two different things.

It’s like knowing sticking the fork in a socket is a dumb thing to do, but actually doing it and almost dying is living with that knowledge.

Knowing and seeing you die

Then feeling it

Then living with that pain

Then denying that pain

Then accepting that pain

This year I’m beginning to realize I was never fine

I lied.

To myself, and to everyone.

I thought pushing it away and hiding it was living with it.

But it wasn’t.

I’m good at lying.

I know you wouldn’t be proud of that.

But hurting was never my thing.

I just can’t open myself

I won’t open myself up to be hurt

Because look were being open got me

It has me here.

When you died I was innocent and open.

That horror closed me up.

I never want that feeling again.

But closing wasn’t the smart thing to do

Sharing what I’m going through makes me sick.

Why do we have to talk about feelings that hurt.

Why can’t happiness be the only emotion?

I don’t like Me without You

I know you don’t like it either

But at least now…

at least this version today is a little less naïve and a little  more tough.

Now Me without You is doable, there wasn’t really a choice, but not preferable.

This Me is going to try to be more open and more trusting. And, fingers crossed, not lie about the pain and sadness. No promises though.

6/29/15


It isn’t easy for me to let it go
Cause I’ve swallowed every single word
And every whisper, every sigh
Eats away this heart of mine
And there is a hollow in me now

So I put my faith in something unknown
I’m living on such sweet nothing
But I’m tired of hope with nothing to hold
I’m living on such sweet nothing
And it’s hard to learn
And it’s hard to love

—Sweet Nothing Calvin Harris ft. Florence Welch

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