Attention lover

Thrill seeker

Never settling down

Fire starter

Rebellion leader

How are you doing

Where are you heading

Never honest

Lies thrive inside of you

A bundle of of wires

Nerves of steel

The dark mass surrounding your heart

Or where it should be

Did you ever love

Was I ever a thought in your mind

Of course

Is what you answer

But there are no certainties here

How can I trust

When you taught me not to

How can I love

When your departing figure showed me the pointlessness of it

Blame begets blame

I take responsibility

For never being satisfied

For the fear that courses through me

That everyone is you

I see him look at me with desire

I feel like my mother

What it must have been when she laid eyes

On what she thought was love

Maybe it was

But not the pure unfiltered version

This Love was infected with something tarnished

Tainted

Raw and…

Wild

It was never supposed to get here

I see what it was always supposed to be

But she was just looking for someone to fill the void

The one that her father created

The one you almost fit in completely

Like a key sliding into a lock

But you didn’t turn her

The sensible voice that she filed away fought back from a locked drawer

She almost broke

But with her heart on the outside of her body she struggled and resisted

The eight crimson pieces floating from here to there

Laughing

Loving

Exploring

Being free

Never knowing the fight that was killing her

As the pieces of her swelled with age they saw

They saw the threat to their home

They hardened with age

They became cynical

Terrified

And most of all angry

The only one spared was the littlest piece

Too young to absorb anything but love

Then the home was ransacked and burned to the ground

She no longer was in misery of life but misery of death

Misery of leaving her heart behind

But choices were made beyond her control

The eight grew and they tried to erase the cynicism

The terror

But the anger remained

Anger at her

Anger at him

And anger at anything that would hear them roar

Screaming into a pit of blackness

As a piece of the eight I have lived in darkness

Fear that forgiveness meant I’d once again be trapped

In the empty box that was my home

The box with no air

Only hate

But what started out as questions ended up as revelations

Euphoria disguised as despair

Offering hope

Opening a small hole in my obscurity

Crawling through to the light

Seeing that absolution doesn’t mean that the past is gone forever

Just that it’s in remission

The healing is a rehabilitation

Learning to absorb old wounds

To let go of all the hurt

So when I look at him I don’t see you

Or slip into her

So when I am let down by him

I don’t blame myself

I relieve myself of following in her footsteps

I am a piece of the eight

With the cynics shell broken

With the terror drained

With the anger melted

I no longer am invested in you

You will be forever a crestfallen distraction

I don’t reach out for your hand

I don’t call you in good times or bad

I don’t need warmth from the cold

Because as an empty husk

You can’t console me

I know that love is around the long corner

But it won’t be from you

The phantasm of you is just that

And finally

With one last breath

The final sweet release

I relinquish you

I am free

And so should you

It’s what you scrambled for

And now the latch is broken

The laces untied

I have learned to stop holding on to those who don’t fit

You’re a puzzle piece that doesn’t belong in my story

I see that now

I hope you find who you want to be

But I cannot waste my time on you

So I’ll leave you with one final word

Adieu