Attention lover
Thrill seeker
Never settling down
Fire starter
Rebellion leader
How are you doing
Where are you heading
Never honest
Lies thrive inside of you
A bundle of of wires
Nerves of steel
The dark mass surrounding your heart
Or where it should be
Did you ever love
Was I ever a thought in your mind
Of course
Is what you answer
But there are no certainties here
How can I trust
When you taught me not to
How can I love
When your departing figure showed me the pointlessness of it
Blame begets blame
I take responsibility
For never being satisfied
For the fear that courses through me
That everyone is you
I see him look at me with desire
I feel like my mother
What it must have been when she laid eyes
On what she thought was love
Maybe it was
But not the pure unfiltered version
This Love was infected with something tarnished
Tainted
Raw and…
Wild
It was never supposed to get here
I see what it was always supposed to be
But she was just looking for someone to fill the void
The one that her father created
The one you almost fit in completely
Like a key sliding into a lock
But you didn’t turn her
The sensible voice that she filed away fought back from a locked drawer
She almost broke
But with her heart on the outside of her body she struggled and resisted
The eight crimson pieces floating from here to there
Laughing
Loving
Exploring
Being free
Never knowing the fight that was killing her
As the pieces of her swelled with age they saw
They saw the threat to their home
They hardened with age
They became cynical
Terrified
And most of all angry
The only one spared was the littlest piece
Too young to absorb anything but love
Then the home was ransacked and burned to the ground
She no longer was in misery of life but misery of death
Misery of leaving her heart behind
But choices were made beyond her control
The eight grew and they tried to erase the cynicism
The terror
But the anger remained
Anger at her
Anger at him
And anger at anything that would hear them roar
Screaming into a pit of blackness
As a piece of the eight I have lived in darkness
Fear that forgiveness meant I’d once again be trapped
In the empty box that was my home
The box with no air
Only hate
But what started out as questions ended up as revelations
Euphoria disguised as despair
Offering hope
Opening a small hole in my obscurity
Crawling through to the light
Seeing that absolution doesn’t mean that the past is gone forever
Just that it’s in remission
The healing is a rehabilitation
Learning to absorb old wounds
To let go of all the hurt
So when I look at him I don’t see you
Or slip into her
So when I am let down by him
I don’t blame myself
I relieve myself of following in her footsteps
I am a piece of the eight
With the cynics shell broken
With the terror drained
With the anger melted
I no longer am invested in you
You will be forever a crestfallen distraction
I don’t reach out for your hand
I don’t call you in good times or bad
I don’t need warmth from the cold
Because as an empty husk
You can’t console me
I know that love is around the long corner
But it won’t be from you
The phantasm of you is just that
And finally
With one last breath
The final sweet release
I relinquish you
I am free
And so should you
It’s what you scrambled for
And now the latch is broken
The laces untied
I have learned to stop holding on to those who don’t fit
You’re a puzzle piece that doesn’t belong in my story
I see that now
I hope you find who you want to be
But I cannot waste my time on you
So I’ll leave you with one final word
Adieu