Unequivocally

When I look in the mirror I see you

I wonder did you see me too

This light of mine

The rays of your love shine on me

Through the bad times

When the road is all downhill

Nothing is right

Left is always where I end up

Emptiness is not the goal

But the message is unclear

How to move forward without my rock

The time for regrets is gone

Nowhere to run to

The past creeps forward inch by inch

Remember how it used to be

You and me

The life I never got to share

The death that will always stain

The tears that will always fall

You will never see me

Forward with every attempt of clarity

Always be the one who lost

Chances you gave me to be bright

Love you gave me

Strength that seeps into my bones

Everything is a product of you

Knowing from whence I came

Adversity

Only voice that counts

No one can tell me different

Taught me how to use my voice

Scream what I need

Never let you go

Always, Consistently, repeatedly yours

Brainwashed into loving consistently

Forevermore

Until the MOMent comes

It will be you

No one better will ever exist

Reminiscing time

Good or bad

Nothing will top you

No description will work

All or nothing

To you

It was

The end

Escaping the Patriarchy

As a woman writer, an avid reader, and a cinephile I sometimes get disgusted with how women are portrayed. I recently read an article, which I cited below, about how women were portrayed throughout literature. Either they were an “angel,” or a “monster.” Male, and even some female writers, had the women in their stories take up one or two roles. One role is the dimwitted, sweetheart who just wants to please her man. The other role is this horrible woman who doesn’t conform to social norms. She is usually an evil stepmother, or the jealous girl who the hero didn’t pick. These are literally the only two roles women can play.

As you can see it’s disgusting. To have a woman who defies the rules and becomes the heroine is seen as a weak plot line. There is always a reason to not believe in that story. For instance in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice Lizzie is headstrong and refuses to fall in love. Of course she falls in love in the end, but she isn’t like others. Her own sister and her best friend both marry because that is what they are supposed to do. They marry to not become an old spinster. To not have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. Some point out that Lizzie did in the end marry a rich man, but not for the reason that everyone around her was. She could have cared less about Mr. Darcy’s wealth, she fell in love with the stubborn man because like her, they liked breaking rules. They showed each other pieces of themselves they never showed to anyone else. Pride and Prejudice can be seen as a story of soulmates, because Lizzie and Mr. Darcy were perfectly matched.

All throughout the story she was seen as a silly, naive girl because she refused to settle. She didn’t want to get married if it wasn’t for love. Her own mother didn’t understand her. Everyone thought she was crazy because she dared to defy the social stigma of being an independent woman. The same could be said about Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. She fell in love but she refused to let that define her. She wouldn’t marry if she would be below her husband. When she almost married and saw what she turned into she ran away. She went off to find herself, and in her self imposed exile she thrived. All the while Mr. Rochester dwindled. He became a ghost of himself. He couldn’t live again without his love, and when she returned he was whole again.

These novels show how women can be strong and fight against what is “normal” for women to do. They never let what society tells them effect what they want. Lizzie wanted the ability to love freely, and Jane wanted to define herself outside of her husband. Both did that even though everyone admonished them. Their strength is what we need in our female characters. Instead of the hopeless romantic who falls apart when the guy leaves her for a newer model. We need to borrow the strength from these two fictional women until we find it in ourselves to be brave.

Until we find it in ourselves to break the the dimwitted angel and the evil monster stigmas. We have to be strong and ignore the naysayers who say that we can’t because we’re women. We are just as good as any male counterpart, and that doesn’t make us narcissistic or “bitches,” it makes us truthful. Having male genitalia doesn’t make you better at anything, despite what the old greats thought.

Being different is the only reason they fear you. Be different, be better, be great.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.
-Dr. Seuss

Works Cited

Gilbert, Sandra, and  Gubar, Susan. “The Madwoman in the Attic.” Literary Theory: An Anthology. Edited by Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan, Blackwell Publishing, 2010, 812-825.

Falling Up

Is it weird to say I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who fail upwardly? Yes, hard work and struggle builds character, but I’ kinda tired of it. I mean how much character does one actually need? I know nothing in life is easy, but that’s what the hard-working people tell you. What about the ones that just get to lay around and be rich? The ones that inherit Mommy & Daddy’s money and don’t give a shit about people who aren’t in their tax bracket.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to be one of those people, but I’m so tired of struggling. Life is an everyday struggle for people who aren’t loaded. And not to be all Debbie Downer or Pessimistic Petra but it’s so annoying. I hate but love the saying I quoted in a previous posting:

God makes you uncomfortable when you’re about to grow.

*Again, not accurate wording.*

I just wish I wasn’t uncomfortable. I wish that I had a sneak peek at one is going on in my own life. I don’t want to skip to the end just maybe have one of those teaser trailers. A quick little flash of the good stuff, you know.

But of course all the hard work will make me appreciate the good stuff more. But I promise I’ll appreciate it all the same if I get to see it… It was worth a shot.

I don’t want to be one of those entitled, snobby, rich people. I just want to have their sense of peace monetary wise. I don’t need to be loaded or wealthy, I think there is a difference, but just to not have to worry. Worry is the enemy but also keeps you on your toes. Growing up not having stuff makes you want all the stuff you missed.

And I want to grow up and give all the things I couldn’t have to my future kids, but not in a spoiled, you are better than everyone else kind of way. In a way that shows them that the world won’t always love them, it may not even like them, but I will always be there.

I’m not even sure where this post is going. I just needed a place to let all my anxiety out. So, here you go.

Truthfully, I just want to be a better person. I want to make a difference with my writing and any contribution that I can pass along to future generations. Having millions would make that easier, but having nothing is what makes it inspiring.

Millennium woes

So, yesterday I was worried about my life. I was worried about things that weren’t even problems because that’s what I’ve learned to do. It’s not what my mother or my grandmother is taught me but what I picked up from living on this earth for twenty-six years.

The things I was so worried about were so silly. They were also things completely out of my control. They were paranoid fears like: 

What if I’m sterile?

And 

What if I don’t get married until after all my eggs dry up?

And my cousin, bless her soul, talked me down. She told me that there’s nothing I could do about the what if’s. If that problem arose I would handle it. She reminded me of all the shit I overcame to move forward. That reminded me of how strong I’ve became.

I had to grow up at a young age with a sick mother. I had to learn how to be an adult before I had my difficult teen years filled with angst. As a result I had them all the summer before I turned 17.

I was a real joy, just ask my grandmother.

As  millennials we are often told we’re lazy and entitled. On the other hand we have a billion jobs and we’re not loyal.

I’ve never really thought anything would ever be handed to me. Growing up I was told as long as I work hard and get good grades I’ll get into a good school.

Check ✔️

If I put in the work and don’t slack off I’ll graduate and get a good job.

And here is where it gets fuzzy.

I believed this BS all the way through college. I worked my ass off, had two jobs plus school at one point. But when I graduated the only people who wanted me were this canvassing job.

For those of you have done canvassing you understand my struggle, and for those who still do it bless your soul. I lasted almost a month.

They don’t tell you how much people hate canvassers when they hire you. People hated me guts and I was just trying to get them to clean up the environment.

After that I was jobless for a couple months. My uncle, who supports me through everything, let me live with him.

I was back on my feet by October but in retail. Some people love working on retail, I think I drains you and sucks out your marrow, difference of opinion.

I was there for three years and slowly dying inside. People are just horrible to other people for no reason. So, after my big move I looked for a new job. I found one and have been somewhat happen ever since.

But is it bad that I want more. There’s a saying 

When God wants you to grow he makes you uncomfortable

I’m not sure if I got the wording correct but you get the gist.

I was comfortable making a little more than minimum wage and having friends to work and hang out with. But now circumstances are making me a tad uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s the millennial spirit, or maybe it’s just life.

But I’m ready to move towards my right future, I’m

Just hoping it will be bright.

Inconceivable Love

Who are you to me

The ending never matches

Life starts out light

Happiness swarms us

Until it stings

Crumbling from within

Inevitability

Why fix what’s always broken

This act always ends

Entertaining no longer

Intersecting lives

Shift

Why start

When the finish line is around the corner

Not carefree

No go-luckiness

The cure

Doesn’t exist

Cursed four letter word

More strife

You can’t really promise me…

Forever

When time never stops

And

Love is fluid

Instead of growing together

We might just grow apart

It’s more…

More than I can stomach

Losing what you never

Had

Is more terrifying

Than actually having something to

Lose

Perspectively I may be wrong

Errors happen

But being someone who makes them…

With my heart

Isn’t who I want to be

I’m not able…

I refuse…

Vulnerability isn’t a color I wear often

Weakening my resolve gives you nothing

Trust…

Yes, I do.

But can you…

How can I…

Maybe we…

Move me forward

Guide me into your arms

 

1.16.17

 

I wish that I can take a journey through your mindAnd find emotions that you always try to hide

Joe

 

 

Dereliction {II}

Sisyphean progress

Falsely starting 

Never accessing the truth

Odd man out

Odd man out

Pain and suffering 

Never the victor

Always the chump

Why do you excel without me?

Yearning for you

Duping myself 

Putting myself in a box

Shipping it to you

But no ones home

No one is ever home

You’re never…

I’m happy

But not together 

You can come and shake the foundation 

Thundering 

I crumble every time 

I’m only as strong  as I was taught

Forever not knowing 

Unwanted

Thrown away

Never the one you wanted

We were never good enough 

Never could pinpoint why

Faking understanding

Realizing nothing

I don’t know why

Why I care

Ties that bind

Seem to never break

No matter how you hacked it

You must’ve felt something once…

It’s impossible…

Right?

It could never just be…

How could I never know you

How much I wish to 

I don’t know who you are

Did she?

How many times did she trust you

Love you

Chances spilled out of her

Chasing her unshed tears

The strength that it took

To fool herself 

To fool us

Making herself the only believer 

Closed doors never stay shut 

Lies don’t turn to true

Death isn’t a cover up

Nothing can Expunge 

Smoke billows

Blinding all to you

You charm them

Hook, line, and sinker

Alone in the dark

Shadows over happiness 

Maybe it’s a cruel joke on me, whatever

Just means there’s more cake for me, forever, forever

Melanie Martinez

Why Is Everything A Good Idea When You’re Drunk?

When you’re drunk everything everything is the best idea ever. It could be dancing on the bar or hanging out with strangers. You just want to do everything you can think of. That confidence is what I want to aspire to every single day. That level of self-assuredness is something that I wish that I had.

I never been that confidant sober. I always just kind of had a certain level of confidence. Just enough to get me by, but not enough to jump into something really different. I never been able to just dive in  without any reservations.

I have the most reservations when I’m sober. It may not seem like it but I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am just making it up as I go along. On the outside I have everything put together but on the inside I’m so lost.

I am not sure if its just lack of confidence or social anxiety or what?

I usually just make things up as I go along. Trying, blindly, to find a way to navigate my way down this dark path of life.