Falling Up

Is it weird to say I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who fail upwardly? Yes, hard work and struggle builds character, but I’ kinda tired of it. I mean how much character does one actually need? I know nothing in life is easy, but that’s what the hard-working people tell you. What about the ones that just get to lay around and be rich? The ones that inherit Mommy & Daddy’s money and don’t give a shit about people who aren’t in their tax bracket.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to be one of those people, but I’m so tired of struggling. Life is an everyday struggle for people who aren’t loaded. And not to be all Debbie Downer or Pessimistic Petra but it’s so annoying. I hate but love the saying I quoted in a previous posting:

God makes you uncomfortable when you’re about to grow.

*Again, not accurate wording.*

I just wish I wasn’t uncomfortable. I wish that I had a sneak peek at one is going on in my own life. I don’t want to skip to the end just maybe have one of those teaser trailers. A quick little flash of the good stuff, you know.

But of course all the hard work will make me appreciate the good stuff more. But I promise I’ll appreciate it all the same if I get to see it… It was worth a shot.

I don’t want to be one of those entitled, snobby, rich people. I just want to have their sense of peace monetary wise. I don’t need to be loaded or wealthy, I think there is a difference, but just to not have to worry. Worry is the enemy but also keeps you on your toes. Growing up not having stuff makes you want all the stuff you missed.

And I want to grow up and give all the things I couldn’t have to my future kids, but not in a spoiled, you are better than everyone else kind of way. In a way that shows them that the world won’t always love them, it may not even like them, but I will always be there.

I’m not even sure where this post is going. I just needed a place to let all my anxiety out. So, here you go.

Truthfully, I just want to be a better person. I want to make a difference with my writing and any contribution that I can pass along to future generations. Having millions would make that easier, but having nothing is what makes it inspiring.

Millennium woes

So, yesterday I was worried about my life. I was worried about things that weren’t even problems because that’s what I’ve learned to do. It’s not what my mother or my grandmother is taught me but what I picked up from living on this earth for twenty-six years.

The things I was so worried about were so silly. They were also things completely out of my control. They were paranoid fears like: 

What if I’m sterile?

And 

What if I don’t get married until after all my eggs dry up?

And my cousin, bless her soul, talked me down. She told me that there’s nothing I could do about the what if’s. If that problem arose I would handle it. She reminded me of all the shit I overcame to move forward. That reminded me of how strong I’ve became.

I had to grow up at a young age with a sick mother. I had to learn how to be an adult before I had my difficult teen years filled with angst. As a result I had them all the summer before I turned 17.

I was a real joy, just ask my grandmother.

As  millennials we are often told we’re lazy and entitled. On the other hand we have a billion jobs and we’re not loyal.

I’ve never really thought anything would ever be handed to me. Growing up I was told as long as I work hard and get good grades I’ll get into a good school.

Check ✔️

If I put in the work and don’t slack off I’ll graduate and get a good job.

And here is where it gets fuzzy.

I believed this BS all the way through college. I worked my ass off, had two jobs plus school at one point. But when I graduated the only people who wanted me were this canvassing job.

For those of you have done canvassing you understand my struggle, and for those who still do it bless your soul. I lasted almost a month.

They don’t tell you how much people hate canvassers when they hire you. People hated me guts and I was just trying to get them to clean up the environment.

After that I was jobless for a couple months. My uncle, who supports me through everything, let me live with him.

I was back on my feet by October but in retail. Some people love working on retail, I think I drains you and sucks out your marrow, difference of opinion.

I was there for three years and slowly dying inside. People are just horrible to other people for no reason. So, after my big move I looked for a new job. I found one and have been somewhat happen ever since.

But is it bad that I want more. There’s a saying 

When God wants you to grow he makes you uncomfortable

I’m not sure if I got the wording correct but you get the gist.

I was comfortable making a little more than minimum wage and having friends to work and hang out with. But now circumstances are making me a tad uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s the millennial spirit, or maybe it’s just life.

But I’m ready to move towards my right future, I’m

Just hoping it will be bright.

Inconceivable Love

Who are you to me

The ending never matches

Life starts out light

Happiness swarms us

Until it stings

Crumbling from within

Inevitability

Why fix what’s always broken

This act always ends

Entertaining no longer

Intersecting lives

Shift

Why start

When the finish line is around the corner

Not carefree

No go-luckiness

The cure

Doesn’t exist

Cursed four letter word

More strife

You can’t really promise me…

Forever

When time never stops

And

Love is fluid

Instead of growing together

We might just grow apart

It’s more…

More than I can stomach

Losing what you never

Had

Is more terrifying

Than actually having something to

Lose

Perspectively I may be wrong

Errors happen

But being someone who makes them…

With my heart

Isn’t who I want to be

I’m not able…

I refuse…

Vulnerability isn’t a color I wear often

Weakening my resolve gives you nothing

Trust…

Yes, I do.

But can you…

How can I…

Maybe we…

Move me forward

Guide me into your arms

 

1.16.17

 

I wish that I can take a journey through your mindAnd find emotions that you always try to hide

Joe

 

 

Dereliction {II}

Sisyphean progress

Falsely starting 

Never accessing the truth

Odd man out

Odd man out

Pain and suffering 

Never the victor

Always the chump

Why do you excel without me?

Yearning for you

Duping myself 

Putting myself in a box

Shipping it to you

But no ones home

No one is ever home

You’re never…

I’m happy

But not together 

You can come and shake the foundation 

Thundering 

I crumble every time 

I’m only as strong  as I was taught

Forever not knowing 

Unwanted

Thrown away

Never the one you wanted

We were never good enough 

Never could pinpoint why

Faking understanding

Realizing nothing

I don’t know why

Why I care

Ties that bind

Seem to never break

No matter how you hacked it

You must’ve felt something once…

It’s impossible…

Right?

It could never just be…

How could I never know you

How much I wish to 

I don’t know who you are

Did she?

How many times did she trust you

Love you

Chances spilled out of her

Chasing her unshed tears

The strength that it took

To fool herself 

To fool us

Making herself the only believer 

Closed doors never stay shut 

Lies don’t turn to true

Death isn’t a cover up

Nothing can Expunge 

Smoke billows

Blinding all to you

You charm them

Hook, line, and sinker

Alone in the dark

Shadows over happiness 

Maybe it’s a cruel joke on me, whatever

Just means there’s more cake for me, forever, forever

Melanie Martinez

Why Is Everything A Good Idea When You’re Drunk?

When you’re drunk everything everything is the best idea ever. It could be dancing on the bar or hanging out with strangers. You just want to do everything you can think of. That confidence is what I want to aspire to every single day. That level of self-assuredness is something that I wish that I had.

I never been that confidant sober. I always just kind of had a certain level of confidence. Just enough to get me by, but not enough to jump into something really different. I never been able to just dive in  without any reservations.

I have the most reservations when I’m sober. It may not seem like it but I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am just making it up as I go along. On the outside I have everything put together but on the inside I’m so lost.

I am not sure if its just lack of confidence or social anxiety or what?

I usually just make things up as I go along. Trying, blindly, to find a way to navigate my way down this dark path of life.

Dereliction {I}

Where have you been?

Never mind

The truth always hurts

You can’t even lie to me anymore

(It never stops you though)

I see through everything you say

Why do you dare…

Hurt me so bad

Does it even matter to you anymore?

I ask myself why I care

But the answer is never clear

I can’t see pass this

I fall down and you’re nowhere

I call out

Why can’t I see

Everything with you is selfish

I never want to let this go

Though you hurt me

Though you lie

Look me in the eyes and have no remorse

But I still open my arms

My heart

Lean on your shoulder

But it’s a fable

Nothing about this is true

You say the right things

You get what you want

Then you’re a shadow

When success hits you’ll be in my corner

You’ll always say how you believed

And, bless my soul, I’ll wish it was true

I’ll have a little part of me silently happy

That you showed your face

But the smarter half of me will be hurt

You never were there for me

You were there for what I could do for you

What I meant to you…

I’m not sure

But it was not enough

It will never be enough

Because your love is untrue

And this I always knew

That you’d break my heart

Shatter it

Suck up all the pieces

Scatter it on the wind

Never the same again

Maybe you meant it

Maybe you didn’t

It doesn’t change the fact

That my tears lodge in my throat

I can’t catch my breath

I think about what you never gave me

About how much I just needed you

The things you did give

(Materialistically)

I never wanted

I just wanted you

(Time)

(Love)

(Understanding)

But that wasn’t what you…

You weren’t capable

To fill my needs

You don’t know me

You don’t understand why

It hurts to even think of you

You can’t comprehend why

I just don’t let go

This is..

was

is…

My whole life

You were half me

You made an imprint

There is a hole

But I have to move on

I have to put myself back together

Because you will never get

 

Me

Over and Over Again

Starting over is hard, especially each time you do it. I have been trying to get back here. I’ve been clawing my way back to this and to all things I love. Everything I used to do religiously have slowly fallen away until I was left with nothing left of my previous life. Sure you grow out of things, but this isn’t that. I’ve been losing all the things that made me, me because I couldn’t hold onto them. Everything ran through my fingers like water.

Wasn’t sure if I could pinpoint what happened, and I am still not sure that I can say exactly what happened. I do know it has to do with change. I made several big changes in my life in the past couple months. I moved thousands of miles away from my family, it took me a while to find a place to be comfortable, and then I changed jobs, transferred within the company, but I changed them again when I realized I was still miserable at my job. But all these things felt good at the time. Not saying they were mistakes, they were just difficult. Being in a new place made me think about what it is that I really want.

Then I found school. It made me happy at first, but then the nagging feeling returned. That something wasn’t right. I went through the motions everyday but I wasn’t all there. I wasn’t my happy self, and it bothered me so much. I felt myself slip further and further away from what I once used to define myself. And it wasn’t until recently that I made my way back to here.

It was actually because I was updating my resume. The template had a section labeled ‘projects,’ and it gave me pause. I had the answer right away but it felt wrong. It left a bitter taste in my mouth because it felt like a lie. I have thought of typing my blog, this blog, and my magazine as my projects. But if you have read my blog in the past you know that I have been M.I.A. for some time, and if you enjoyed my magazine you know that has been collecting dust in the corner for much longer. I felt ashamed. The things that once gave me unbounded joy were not even a thought in my mind until right then.

It hit me then that I was incomplete. I know that I haven’t been writing unless it was for school, even that lost its appeal, and I couldn’t even read more than 30 books, I read so much more than that, last year. I didn’t even have to ask myself what changed. I know that the move and job change had been difficult, but I didn’t realize that the stressors of my environment had caused me to back slide so much.

So, after my shameful bout with my new resume I came to a conclusion, that I need to start fresh. You can’t go backwards, it never works. So, I am moving ahead. I am picking up all the things I let wither and die, and I am going to plant new seeds in their place. I know it will take time, but I know that I can get back to where I used to be. I just have to work at it.

I already have my TBR (To Be Read) list piling up next to me. It was supposed to be just a couple of books, but the more I picked up the better I felt. Now I have 11 books staring at me waiting for me to read them. I think I can say that I climbed out of this reading slump.

As for writing it may be a little harder. The novel I was working on I can’t really work on because I am going to use it for my Masters thesis. That forces me to go back to another unfinished story and revamp it, which might be good for me. Since I am all about new beginnings, maybe that is what I need. A new novel to obsess over.

Writing this is a start. I am going to continue to write this with my opinions and poetry, maybe a little snippet from my revamped work, who knows. As for ‘Journaled,’ that may be a little harder. But if everything was easy it wouldn’t be worthwhile, would it?

I just want to take the time to thank you, my readers, for sticking it out. I know I am sporadic but I think I am finally back on track. I know I have fallen off many times, but I think this time I’m going to fasten my seatbelt and hold on. I just hope that what comes from my soul helps you as much as it helps me.

Always try to keep a patch of sky above your life

Marcel Proust