Dereliction {II}

Sisyphean progress

Falsely starting 

Never accessing the truth

Odd man out

Odd man out

Pain and suffering 

Never the victor

Always the chump

Why do you excel without me?

Yearning for you

Duping myself 

Putting myself in a box

Shipping it to you

But no ones home

No one is ever home

You’re never…

I’m happy

But not together 

You can come and shake the foundation 

Thundering 

I crumble every time 

I’m only as strong  as I was taught

Forever not knowing 

Unwanted

Thrown away

Never the one you wanted

We were never good enough 

Never could pinpoint why

Faking understanding

Realizing nothing

I don’t know why

Why I care

Ties that bind

Seem to never break

No matter how you hacked it

You must’ve felt something once…

It’s impossible…

Right?

It could never just be…

How could I never know you

How much I wish to 

I don’t know who you are

Did she?

How many times did she trust you

Love you

Chances spilled out of her

Chasing her unshed tears

The strength that it took

To fool herself 

To fool us

Making herself the only believer 

Closed doors never stay shut 

Lies don’t turn to true

Death isn’t a cover up

Nothing can Expunge 

Smoke billows

Blinding all to you

You charm them

Hook, line, and sinker

Alone in the dark

Shadows over happiness 

Maybe it’s a cruel joke on me, whatever

Just means there’s more cake for me, forever, forever

Melanie Martinez

Why Is Everything A Good Idea When You’re Drunk?

When you’re drunk everything everything is the best idea ever. It could be dancing on the bar or hanging out with strangers. You just want to do everything you can think of. That confidence is what I want to aspire to every single day. That level of self-assuredness is something that I wish that I had.

I never been that confidant sober. I always just kind of had a certain level of confidence. Just enough to get me by, but not enough to jump into something really different. I never been able to just dive in  without any reservations.

I have the most reservations when I’m sober. It may not seem like it but I have no idea what I am doing half of the time. I am just making it up as I go along. On the outside I have everything put together but on the inside I’m so lost.

I am not sure if its just lack of confidence or social anxiety or what?

I usually just make things up as I go along. Trying, blindly, to find a way to navigate my way down this dark path of life.

Dereliction {I}

Where have you been?

Never mind

The truth always hurts

You can’t even lie to me anymore

(It never stops you though)

I see through everything you say

Why do you dare…

Hurt me so bad

Does it even matter to you anymore?

I ask myself why I care

But the answer is never clear

I can’t see pass this

I fall down and you’re nowhere

I call out

Why can’t I see

Everything with you is selfish

I never want to let this go

Though you hurt me

Though you lie

Look me in the eyes and have no remorse

But I still open my arms

My heart

Lean on your shoulder

But it’s a fable

Nothing about this is true

You say the right things

You get what you want

Then you’re a shadow

When success hits you’ll be in my corner

You’ll always say how you believed

And, bless my soul, I’ll wish it was true

I’ll have a little part of me silently happy

That you showed your face

But the smarter half of me will be hurt

You never were there for me

You were there for what I could do for you

What I meant to you…

I’m not sure

But it was not enough

It will never be enough

Because your love is untrue

And this I always knew

That you’d break my heart

Shatter it

Suck up all the pieces

Scatter it on the wind

Never the same again

Maybe you meant it

Maybe you didn’t

It doesn’t change the fact

That my tears lodge in my throat

I can’t catch my breath

I think about what you never gave me

About how much I just needed you

The things you did give

(Materialistically)

I never wanted

I just wanted you

(Time)

(Love)

(Understanding)

But that wasn’t what you…

You weren’t capable

To fill my needs

You don’t know me

You don’t understand why

It hurts to even think of you

You can’t comprehend why

I just don’t let go

This is..

was

is…

My whole life

You were half me

You made an imprint

There is a hole

But I have to move on

I have to put myself back together

Because you will never get

 

Me

Over and Over Again

Starting over is hard, especially each time you do it. I have been trying to get back here. I’ve been clawing my way back to this and to all things I love. Everything I used to do religiously have slowly fallen away until I was left with nothing left of my previous life. Sure you grow out of things, but this isn’t that. I’ve been losing all the things that made me, me because I couldn’t hold onto them. Everything ran through my fingers like water.

Wasn’t sure if I could pinpoint what happened, and I am still not sure that I can say exactly what happened. I do know it has to do with change. I made several big changes in my life in the past couple months. I moved thousands of miles away from my family, it took me a while to find a place to be comfortable, and then I changed jobs, transferred within the company, but I changed them again when I realized I was still miserable at my job. But all these things felt good at the time. Not saying they were mistakes, they were just difficult. Being in a new place made me think about what it is that I really want.

Then I found school. It made me happy at first, but then the nagging feeling returned. That something wasn’t right. I went through the motions everyday but I wasn’t all there. I wasn’t my happy self, and it bothered me so much. I felt myself slip further and further away from what I once used to define myself. And it wasn’t until recently that I made my way back to here.

It was actually because I was updating my resume. The template had a section labeled ‘projects,’ and it gave me pause. I had the answer right away but it felt wrong. It left a bitter taste in my mouth because it felt like a lie. I have thought of typing my blog, this blog, and my magazine as my projects. But if you have read my blog in the past you know that I have been M.I.A. for some time, and if you enjoyed my magazine you know that has been collecting dust in the corner for much longer. I felt ashamed. The things that once gave me unbounded joy were not even a thought in my mind until right then.

It hit me then that I was incomplete. I know that I haven’t been writing unless it was for school, even that lost its appeal, and I couldn’t even read more than 30 books, I read so much more than that, last year. I didn’t even have to ask myself what changed. I know that the move and job change had been difficult, but I didn’t realize that the stressors of my environment had caused me to back slide so much.

So, after my shameful bout with my new resume I came to a conclusion, that I need to start fresh. You can’t go backwards, it never works. So, I am moving ahead. I am picking up all the things I let wither and die, and I am going to plant new seeds in their place. I know it will take time, but I know that I can get back to where I used to be. I just have to work at it.

I already have my TBR (To Be Read) list piling up next to me. It was supposed to be just a couple of books, but the more I picked up the better I felt. Now I have 11 books staring at me waiting for me to read them. I think I can say that I climbed out of this reading slump.

As for writing it may be a little harder. The novel I was working on I can’t really work on because I am going to use it for my Masters thesis. That forces me to go back to another unfinished story and revamp it, which might be good for me. Since I am all about new beginnings, maybe that is what I need. A new novel to obsess over.

Writing this is a start. I am going to continue to write this with my opinions and poetry, maybe a little snippet from my revamped work, who knows. As for ‘Journaled,’ that may be a little harder. But if everything was easy it wouldn’t be worthwhile, would it?

I just want to take the time to thank you, my readers, for sticking it out. I know I am sporadic but I think I am finally back on track. I know I have fallen off many times, but I think this time I’m going to fasten my seatbelt and hold on. I just hope that what comes from my soul helps you as much as it helps me.

Always try to keep a patch of sky above your life

Marcel Proust

Love in the 21st century

Reflected back

Hold the picture still

Memories more fluent

Tales of the past

Float to the top

Hurt…

Anger…

Then comes love 

When we had it together

When nothing mattered 

Puddles of sadness 

Staining your cotton

Thoughts of leaving

Paired with bliss

Never knowing 

What was the right thing to

Do…

Say…

Be present in these moments 

Our relationship needed a reheat

The leftovers were stale

We were both in the opposite sides of right

Never being enough 

Pint sized bandaids 

In the flavor of mint chip and rocky road

In the end you got the sanity

And I got the heartache

11.3.16

The Ebb & Flow of Loss

For Virisa

Whispering voices

Tears flowing

Falling softly 

Hidden truths

Coming closer

Silence falls

Pauses filled…

with what was never said

Pity coursing through…

the air

The sadness is palpable 

Anticipating mob mentality 

Tell me how I really feel

Not so private 

Sarcastic thoughts

Keep up the façade

Emotionless

Unstable 

Hidden sentiments

Lying enough to buy it

Feel nothing

Black out

Flashback to happiness 

Forget the pain

Walk down the corridor 

Anamnesis

Memories flood

Paralyzingly fearful

Heartsick

Raging pain

Sliding down

Back against the wall

Nothing makes it easier 

Separate Identities

When you’re alone

You’re not always lonely

But when you’re lonely you don’t have to be alone

The isolation creeps in and sets itself on you

The black spindly fingers land on your shoulders

Dragging you down

When you have nothing left

You let it come for you

You let it take you

What is there left to fight for?

When you have to have your own back, front, side 

Who can blame you when you’re closed off?

Who can point a finger at your work and call it wreckage?

When you fight for you everyday

There is no one cheering you own

You are the only one encouraging yourself

And sometimes it’s hard

Sometimes it’s dare near impossible 

But you keep on

You say nothing when they laugh and mock

You make no move when they ridicule and protest 

You keep your head down and stay humble

Keep your thoughts private

Keep your progress to yourself

And when you make it

They all say the believed in you

But they will never see you

They will never see you for you

And as long as you know the truth

Nothing else matters