Mirror Image

When you looked in the mirror what did you see

Did you see someone who wasn’t loved

Were you all alone

How lonely were you growing up

That made you run to the first open arms you found

How lonely were you with three screaming kids

Three turned into five more

How lonely did you feel in your marriage

How many kids did you need to fill the void

How many did it take to heal your broken heart

Feeling of being unloved followed you

From birth to death

You never stood up for you

How lonely were you when you looked in the mirror

Did you not see the love you received

How lonely did you feel in a room full of people

Even with your last breath you gave all your love to others

When did you ever love you

When I look in the mirror I see you

I see some of the things you saw

But I also see the love

I don’t feel as lonely as you did

I have experienced the paternal abandonment

But I can’t let it shape me

Because of you I received more love

More than I could ever imagine

But what did it cost you

What did it cost you to only feel love from the miniature people that came from you

To only believe that they were the ones who would love you until death

To not see how much love was surrounding you until it was too late

How can I not grow up to be you

But grow up with your heart

Your heart beats within me

The extraordinary lengths  you went to

That is what I see in the mirror

The caring for others above me

But I don’t feel the loneliness set in

I am not you

And I am you

You gave so much unconditional love

To every stranger you could

How many times did that bite you in the ass

How many times have you been burned

And yet you wake up with this un-fillable depth of loneliness

You’d smile and kiss and hug your little monsters

You would do anything you could so we never felt the neglect

Of him

But you couldn’t shelter us from the truth

The toll that took on you

The burden you alone shouldered

The love he should’ve given

Dried up inside him a long time ago

He wasn’t who you thought he was

He may never be

Old dog new tricks

Never learn how to be the man that you wanted

The man we needed

That killed you inside

You gave your all

And he couldn’t meet you 5%

The black hole that was his heart

Matched the emptiness inside of you

You thought you could make him better

You thought he was broken enough to love you

Never realizing that you didn’t need broken

You just needed to believe in worth

In my head you live out your life

The one you were supposed to have

No doctors

No Chemo

No Lymphoma

Just all the love you deserve

So when you look in the mirror

You feel whole

You feel complete

You don’t die sad

You live happy

Never to cry over your loneliness

So when I look in the mirror

I see that  version

The woman you should’ve been able to become

The woman I became

The happiness that exudes from your life unwritten

Flows into my story being told


She knows

Hears the whispers

But she ignores them

She used to rely on her gut

Sage wisdom was all

She got

When did I she become a


When did caring become


When did trust turn into


What changed?

It feel the same

The topsy turvy ride

We aren’t we

My life, her life

Are we all the same?

When you think you’re


But he has that needle ready

When the bubble pops

Where is he?

Caught red-handed

You thought

He cared

Finding out how wrong

It was

How hurt you


How you’re never quite the same

Woman you once were



Open Letter {1}

Dear future self,

I know right now you are wondering about where you are going to end up. Wondering if each choice you make is the right one. I can’t tell you that it is, because I worry. I worry about pointless bullshit that I can’t control and you know that. You know that worrying is just going to be a part of me no matter what.

I do know that you have to trust. Not everyone will do you wrong. I know where the trust issues stem from and I know it hurts to open up just to be wrong. I know. Looking at the past and all the people who lied to your face and made you second guess. When someone came along and made you care about them and toyed with your emotions. I know it sucks. I can say it will get better but I don’t know what the future holds. I don’t know what every up and down will do mentally. But I do know that I will always love you.

No matter who breaks your heart. No matter what people may whisper behind your back. I love you. I just want you to know that. I will always choose you. I can say that it is frustrating trying to find your way in life. I have no fucking idea what I am doing. I just know what makes me happy. And if I remember that and you remember that we’ll be okay.

Life will beat you down. Boys will break your heart. No one may understand what you write. But I will always love you.


When I look in the mirror I see you

I wonder did you see me too

This light of mine

The rays of your love shine on me

Through the bad times

When the road is all downhill

Nothing is right

Left is always where I end up

Emptiness is not the goal

But the message is unclear

How to move forward without my rock

The time for regrets is gone

Nowhere to run to

The past creeps forward inch by inch

Remember how it used to be

You and me

The life I never got to share

The death that will always stain

The tears that will always fall

You will never see me

Forward with every attempt of clarity

Always be the one who lost

Chances you gave me to be bright

Love you gave me

Strength that seeps into my bones

Everything is a product of you

Knowing from whence I came


Only voice that counts

No one can tell me different

Taught me how to use my voice

Scream what I need

Never let you go

Always, Consistently, repeatedly yours

Brainwashed into loving consistently


Until the MOMent comes

It will be you

No one better will ever exist

Reminiscing time

Good or bad

Nothing will top you

No description will work

All or nothing

To you

It was

The end

Escaping the Patriarchy

As a woman writer, an avid reader, and a cinephile I sometimes get disgusted with how women are portrayed. I recently read an article, which I cited below, about how women were portrayed throughout literature. Either they were an “angel,” or a “monster.” Male, and even some female writers, had the women in their stories take up one or two roles. One role is the dimwitted, sweetheart who just wants to please her man. The other role is this horrible woman who doesn’t conform to social norms. She is usually an evil stepmother, or the jealous girl who the hero didn’t pick. These are literally the only two roles women can play.

As you can see it’s disgusting. To have a woman who defies the rules and becomes the heroine is seen as a weak plot line. There is always a reason to not believe in that story. For instance in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice Lizzie is headstrong and refuses to fall in love. Of course she falls in love in the end, but she isn’t like others. Her own sister and her best friend both marry because that is what they are supposed to do. They marry to not become an old spinster. To not have to worry about where their next meal is coming from. Some point out that Lizzie did in the end marry a rich man, but not for the reason that everyone around her was. She could have cared less about Mr. Darcy’s wealth, she fell in love with the stubborn man because like her, they liked breaking rules. They showed each other pieces of themselves they never showed to anyone else. Pride and Prejudice can be seen as a story of soulmates, because Lizzie and Mr. Darcy were perfectly matched.

All throughout the story she was seen as a silly, naive girl because she refused to settle. She didn’t want to get married if it wasn’t for love. Her own mother didn’t understand her. Everyone thought she was crazy because she dared to defy the social stigma of being an independent woman. The same could be said about Charlotte Brontë’s Jane Eyre. She fell in love but she refused to let that define her. She wouldn’t marry if she would be below her husband. When she almost married and saw what she turned into she ran away. She went off to find herself, and in her self imposed exile she thrived. All the while Mr. Rochester dwindled. He became a ghost of himself. He couldn’t live again without his love, and when she returned he was whole again.

These novels show how women can be strong and fight against what is “normal” for women to do. They never let what society tells them effect what they want. Lizzie wanted the ability to love freely, and Jane wanted to define herself outside of her husband. Both did that even though everyone admonished them. Their strength is what we need in our female characters. Instead of the hopeless romantic who falls apart when the guy leaves her for a newer model. We need to borrow the strength from these two fictional women until we find it in ourselves to be brave.

Until we find it in ourselves to break the the dimwitted angel and the evil monster stigmas. We have to be strong and ignore the naysayers who say that we can’t because we’re women. We are just as good as any male counterpart, and that doesn’t make us narcissistic or “bitches,” it makes us truthful. Having male genitalia doesn’t make you better at anything, despite what the old greats thought.

Being different is the only reason they fear you. Be different, be better, be great.

Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you’ll go.
-Dr. Seuss

Works Cited

Gilbert, Sandra, and  Gubar, Susan. “The Madwoman in the Attic.” Literary Theory: An Anthology. Edited by Julie Rivkin and Michael Ryan, Blackwell Publishing, 2010, 812-825.

Falling Up

Is it weird to say I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who fail upwardly? Yes, hard work and struggle builds character, but I’ kinda tired of it. I mean how much character does one actually need? I know nothing in life is easy, but that’s what the hard-working people tell you. What about the ones that just get to lay around and be rich? The ones that inherit Mommy & Daddy’s money and don’t give a shit about people who aren’t in their tax bracket.

Okay, so maybe I don’t want to be one of those people, but I’m so tired of struggling. Life is an everyday struggle for people who aren’t loaded. And not to be all Debbie Downer or Pessimistic Petra but it’s so annoying. I hate but love the saying I quoted in a previous posting:

God makes you uncomfortable when you’re about to grow.

*Again, not accurate wording.*

I just wish I wasn’t uncomfortable. I wish that I had a sneak peek at one is going on in my own life. I don’t want to skip to the end just maybe have one of those teaser trailers. A quick little flash of the good stuff, you know.

But of course all the hard work will make me appreciate the good stuff more. But I promise I’ll appreciate it all the same if I get to see it… It was worth a shot.

I don’t want to be one of those entitled, snobby, rich people. I just want to have their sense of peace monetary wise. I don’t need to be loaded or wealthy, I think there is a difference, but just to not have to worry. Worry is the enemy but also keeps you on your toes. Growing up not having stuff makes you want all the stuff you missed.

And I want to grow up and give all the things I couldn’t have to my future kids, but not in a spoiled, you are better than everyone else kind of way. In a way that shows them that the world won’t always love them, it may not even like them, but I will always be there.

I’m not even sure where this post is going. I just needed a place to let all my anxiety out. So, here you go.

Truthfully, I just want to be a better person. I want to make a difference with my writing and any contribution that I can pass along to future generations. Having millions would make that easier, but having nothing is what makes it inspiring.

Millennium woes

So, yesterday I was worried about my life. I was worried about things that weren’t even problems because that’s what I’ve learned to do. It’s not what my mother or my grandmother is taught me but what I picked up from living on this earth for twenty-six years.

The things I was so worried about were so silly. They were also things completely out of my control. They were paranoid fears like: 

What if I’m sterile?


What if I don’t get married until after all my eggs dry up?

And my cousin, bless her soul, talked me down. She told me that there’s nothing I could do about the what if’s. If that problem arose I would handle it. She reminded me of all the shit I overcame to move forward. That reminded me of how strong I’ve became.

I had to grow up at a young age with a sick mother. I had to learn how to be an adult before I had my difficult teen years filled with angst. As a result I had them all the summer before I turned 17.

I was a real joy, just ask my grandmother.

As  millennials we are often told we’re lazy and entitled. On the other hand we have a billion jobs and we’re not loyal.

I’ve never really thought anything would ever be handed to me. Growing up I was told as long as I work hard and get good grades I’ll get into a good school.

Check ✔️

If I put in the work and don’t slack off I’ll graduate and get a good job.

And here is where it gets fuzzy.

I believed this BS all the way through college. I worked my ass off, had two jobs plus school at one point. But when I graduated the only people who wanted me were this canvassing job.

For those of you have done canvassing you understand my struggle, and for those who still do it bless your soul. I lasted almost a month.

They don’t tell you how much people hate canvassers when they hire you. People hated me guts and I was just trying to get them to clean up the environment.

After that I was jobless for a couple months. My uncle, who supports me through everything, let me live with him.

I was back on my feet by October but in retail. Some people love working on retail, I think I drains you and sucks out your marrow, difference of opinion.

I was there for three years and slowly dying inside. People are just horrible to other people for no reason. So, after my big move I looked for a new job. I found one and have been somewhat happen ever since.

But is it bad that I want more. There’s a saying 

When God wants you to grow he makes you uncomfortable

I’m not sure if I got the wording correct but you get the gist.

I was comfortable making a little more than minimum wage and having friends to work and hang out with. But now circumstances are making me a tad uncomfortable.

Maybe it’s God, maybe it’s the millennial spirit, or maybe it’s just life.

But I’m ready to move towards my right future, I’m

Just hoping it will be bright.